This post is supposed to be for yesterday too. I just had to work another twelve hour shift.
My feet are killing me.
I am exhausted.

But man.
I am really going to miss Landon when I switch to third shift.
We're not going to be able to talk to each other as much, and I've gotten used to talking to him.
I love to talk to him.

Anyways.
That's all for tonight folks.

But a suggestion of a book to read that is one of my favorites:

"Ezekiel's Shadow" - David Ryan Long

There's a part about "The Valley of Dry Bones" Bible story in Ezekiel in that book, and it always pops into my head.
It is completely irrelevant to Landon and everything else I've said tonight, but oh well.
That's my brain for yah.

Hello again Everyone.

I promised myself I wouldn't delete any of my old posts, so I won't.
But, just for good measure, I will remind you all that it has been over one year since my last post. So much in my life has changed.

For instance, the man that I thought was the one for me,  is not.
A lot of things happened this past summer after our two year anniversary, and after everything that has happened, and the way that I was treated, I quickly came to the conclusion that anyone who is right for me, will fight for me.

And Charlie did not fight.
Charlie ran.
And that is something that you cannot do.
You cannot run out on the people that you love.
It is inexcusable.
And I know what it feels like to be run out on.
It has happened to me on more than one occasion, and in more than one way.

But please, do not feel sorry for me, for I am learning who I am again.
I forgot who I was and the dreams that I had for myself.
I was always dreaming with Charlie about things that we would want together instead of dreaming for myself and the things that I want for me.

So. For all of you out there who are going through a rough time, I want to pass on some encouraging words. And maybe some not so encouraging words, but for the most part encouraging.

A quote to start out by Joan Didion, my role model.

"Life changes fast.
Life changes in an instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."

-The Year of Magical Thinking

I feel like I need to start to write. Write like Joan. I was so wrapped into her book "The Year of Magical Thinking," that I couldn't finish the book. The pain I felt over her losing her husband was so great, that it caused me to think about losing the man that I loved most. And I completely choked.
But now that I have lost the one I had loved while reading her book, it all seems so insignificant in the scope of life.

Life is huge.
Life is fleeting.
Life is always changing.

And I'm okay with that.

And for a slightly un-encouraging note.
I want to start out by saying that I believe there's a God above me.
I believe in His unfailing love and forgiveness.
I am working on re-establishing my relationship with Him, and I am so excited to be doing so.

This video I am about to show you is NOT me saying that I do not believe. It is NOT me saying that I believe in nothing and that there is nothing. But, the words that this man uses are so profound.

"Alan Watts Discusses Nothing"

http://www.wimp.com/discussesnothing/
And everything will turn into dust. After this life, there is another life. A much more beautiful life that we would be crazy to not want. That we would be crazy to not chase after with all of our might.

"The essence of your mind, that's how it is behind your eyes, is intrinsically pure. The pure doesn't mean a non-dirty story state of mind, as it is out to mean in the word 'purity'. Pure means 'clear,' 'void.'"

This quote.
This quote is so profound.
And I think that from this quote, we can decide where to go and what to do with ourselves.
With our reality.

So, that is how I am looking at this and my life.

My mind is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of my newness,
I pursue myself.
My heart is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I pursue you.
My life is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I pursue truth.
My truth is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I pursue your truth.
For me.
Out of your truth,
I will find my mind.
I will find my heart.
I will find my life.
I will find myself.
My mind is pure.
My heart is pure.
My life is pure.
I am pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I will pursue you.

-Myself

I hope that from all of this, from everything that I have learned, I hope that I can help someone else.
I hope that my past is not in vain.
I hope that someday, somewhere, I will change at least one person.
I will be that difference that they have been searching for.
And that is all I want for myself.
I hope to be that one difference that helps them make sense of themselves.

Today is the anniversary of Charles and my relationship. We've been dating for a year and a half.



I love this kid so much.

It's like when you feel the sun on your shoulders on a brisk day.
It's like your favorite kind of everything wrapped up in one.
It's like feeling at sea until you finally see his face and realize you've been right next land all along.
It's like feeling homesick until your body fits into those open arms.

It's like this:

"Even then, at nine years old, I wanted to live inside her body. I wanted to melt into her bones--that kind of love."

-Tim O'Brien
-"The Things They Carried"

I want to be a writer so that I can write everything we've ever done out on paper so that everyone can know how beautiful we have things.
I want to have a photographer photograph us every second we're together so that people can see how beautiful our friendship is.
I want to be a musician so that I can write songs that embody the way that he makes me feel. (I've listened to countless love songs, and none are adequate.)
I want to be a painter so that I can paint his lovely face in ever style of painting imaginable.
I want to do it all.

More importantly: I want to do it all with him.

Mumford and Sons.

They're a beautiful band.

Taylor Swift just covered one of their songs.

I'll post the link to both videos.

Mumford's "White Blank Page"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRIOF5PDqM0&feature=fvsr

Taylor's version:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vaOEzlII9J0

"All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name."

-Andre Breton

Time...worships language and forgives Everyone by whom it lives..."

-W. H. Auden

Things that you should do immediately:

Lay down and stare at the ceiling while listening to "You" by Switchfoot
Watch "A Walk To Remember"
Write a list