Gypsy Blood

I dream cities and beaches and stars.
I dream of buildings of old and sand too small to hold and skies too large to behold.
I dream in Technicolor and monotone and faded days.
I dream cities and beaches and stars.
I dream of love untold and adventures to unfold and gazes brazen and bold.
I dream in anxiety and peace and pain.
I dream cities and beaches and stars.
I dream of running and driving and solitary ways.
I dream in gray and red and aging faces.
I dream cities and beaches and stars.
I dream cities and beaches and stars.
I dream cities and beaches and stars.

I know what I said.
But I couldn't fool myself any longer.
It's just not there.
I don't know why.
But I'm sorry.

Some poetry I wrote this morning:)

Everything About Me Wants You

Well, it’s your eyes
With those little flecks of brown
Racing through them

But, it’s your smile
All those faces of white
Gleaming past your lips

Or, it’s your hair
Strands of their own minds
Spiraling about your face

Yet, it’s who you are
That person behind the eyes
Sparkling through them

Still, it’s that laugh
The sounds catching your breath
Gleaming past your lips

Moreover, it’s your mind
The music that is you
Slipping through your fingers

And on top of it all, it’s you
Seeing me
Touching the strands of my hair
Making laughter our music
Creating a world of our own

Everything about you
Is everything I want

Everything about me
Wants
Everything you are

I was talking to someone the other day about love and what love is or how people think about love.

They sent me this quote:

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
-Robert A. Heinlein

Tim O'Brien says in "The Things They Carried" that love can be an extremely strong emotion.
Love can be an emotion that makes you never want to be apart from the other.

"...his love was too much for him, he felt paralyzed, he wanted to sleep inside her lungs and breathe her blood and be smothered."

But I like this quote from that same author and book more:

"Even then, at nine years old, I wanted to live inside her body. I wanted to melt into her bones--THAT kind of love."

I do love that quote.
It is so lovely and profound.
I used to feel that way.
And I know that I will feel that way again someday.
I know that I will feel that way again because of the way that I view love.

I believe that love is both an emotion and a choice.
Love can consume you or it can never find you at all.
So, yes, you can feel love, and you can grow to love a person, but you have to choose to follow that emotion.
You have to choose to continue loving someone.

Love is that way in any relationship.
You can choose to follow your emotions, aka your heart, or you can let go of it completely.
It is that way with all relationships.
Families fall apart because a member has chosen to turn their back on love.
Relationships fall apart because members of that relationship choose to give up on what has grown between them and another.

It is all a choice.
Just like this life.
Everything we do is a choice.
God created us, just like the angels, to worship him.
And the only reason we are different from the angels is because God gave us the freedom of choice.
And we choose to continue to love and worship our creator.

So, for the end of this post, I'd just like to say something about love and my choices.
I was just thinking to myself about love and a certain person, and I don't know.
It sort of just clicked.
I'm nervous and scared and worried that all of this will come to nothing, but I know that nothing good comes from hiding in fear.
And I know that the choice is only half of it, and the emotion is required as well.
I have felt sparks of emotion for this person, and it has made me excited and hopeful.

This is my second day reading the Psalms. I am reading one or two a night.
I just don't understand why I feel so lost about all of it though.
I don't understand why I am in full agreement with the words that I read, yet I feel like I have no idea what I am doing.
Everything seemed so much easier before. I seemed to understand so much more about God and what he wanted before.

Now I feel like I'm reaching out blindly.
And I know that I need to have faith that God won't let me run off the edge of a cliff.
This is just so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

I've been gone for so long, that I feel the need to start completely over with God.
But I know now that that is not how relationships work.
You cannot just ignore the issues and pretend that they aren't there.
And I feel that this is exactly what God wanted me to learn in my relationship with him.
And it is so incredibly difficult to wade through everything that has happened these past few months.
It is so incredibly awful to relive it and rethink about it all.
But that is what I need to do.
I need to go through all of it again so that I can apologize to myself and to God.
I need to go through all of it again so that I can ask God for forgiveness.
And more importantly, I need to forgive myself.

I want to heal so badly.
I want to be me so badly.

But I know that this takes time.
I am just so impatient.

And I need to relearn patience.
Because it seems that I have forgotten what that is too.

Dear God, please help me to put my faith in you. Please help me to trust the plans that you have for me, even though I cannot see where you are taking me. Please give me the patience and strength to go through all of this. Please help me to forgive myself.

So.

Today got out of hand.
I turned to my Bible.
And to God.

Which I haven't done in ages.

I started with a Psalm. (My favorite things to read in the Bible)

And I stumbled across Psalm 10.

Psalm 10:1-6

¹Why, O Lord, do you stand far off?
Why do you hide yourself in times of trouble?
²In his arrogance the wicked man hunts
down the weak,
who are caught in the schemes he devises.
³He boasts of the cravings of his heart;
he blesses the greedy and reviles the
Lord.
⁴In his pride the wicked does not seek him;
in all his thoughts there is no room
for God.
⁵His ways are always prosperous;
he is haughty and our laws are far
from him;
he sneers at all his enemies.
⁶He says to himself, “Nothing will shake
me;
I’ll always be happy and never have
trouble.”

And I've realized that I am the man that this Psalm was written about.
I scoffed at the idea that something bad could happen to me.

And I want to change that.
Bad things do happen.
I just need to grow up and accept that again.
I was good at doing that for so long, but once my life started going so smoothly, (or so I thought) I decided to toss everything out the window and go with it.
And that's where I went wrong.

And I swear I will never do that again.
I think I need to get verses 10:1 and 10:5-6 tattooed on my arm.
On the flat inside of my forearm so that I can always remember to never forget God and his plan for me.

Stresssss lisstssss.


Making some lists.
Like one for everyday.
And I may have found a subleaser for my apartment in East Lansing!
They would be taking over the lease mid-December.
So, I still need to pay December's rent, but they will take care of the subleasing fee and the whole apartment.

I'm so stoked!

Anyways.
I am trying to figure out my bills and schooling as well as go to work.
It's super draining on top of working over 40 hours a week.

It's extremely stressful, but I'm trying.
I know I can get through this time just like the last super stressful time (two years ago).

I just need a little help.
And I haven't been asking God, so I guess that I should start.

Sometimes I just get so headstrong and stubborn that I forget that I have someone here who can help me and who understands everything that I'm going through.

I like to keep my prayers simple and to the point, so here's this one.

God, its me again.
I need your help.
Please let this subleaser work out.
Please help me figure out my bills and please help me figure out my car.
That thing needs to get fixed.

Amen.