Hello again Everyone.

I promised myself I wouldn't delete any of my old posts, so I won't.
But, just for good measure, I will remind you all that it has been over one year since my last post. So much in my life has changed.

For instance, the man that I thought was the one for me,  is not.
A lot of things happened this past summer after our two year anniversary, and after everything that has happened, and the way that I was treated, I quickly came to the conclusion that anyone who is right for me, will fight for me.

And Charlie did not fight.
Charlie ran.
And that is something that you cannot do.
You cannot run out on the people that you love.
It is inexcusable.
And I know what it feels like to be run out on.
It has happened to me on more than one occasion, and in more than one way.

But please, do not feel sorry for me, for I am learning who I am again.
I forgot who I was and the dreams that I had for myself.
I was always dreaming with Charlie about things that we would want together instead of dreaming for myself and the things that I want for me.

So. For all of you out there who are going through a rough time, I want to pass on some encouraging words. And maybe some not so encouraging words, but for the most part encouraging.

A quote to start out by Joan Didion, my role model.

"Life changes fast.
Life changes in an instant.
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends."

-The Year of Magical Thinking

I feel like I need to start to write. Write like Joan. I was so wrapped into her book "The Year of Magical Thinking," that I couldn't finish the book. The pain I felt over her losing her husband was so great, that it caused me to think about losing the man that I loved most. And I completely choked.
But now that I have lost the one I had loved while reading her book, it all seems so insignificant in the scope of life.

Life is huge.
Life is fleeting.
Life is always changing.

And I'm okay with that.

And for a slightly un-encouraging note.
I want to start out by saying that I believe there's a God above me.
I believe in His unfailing love and forgiveness.
I am working on re-establishing my relationship with Him, and I am so excited to be doing so.

This video I am about to show you is NOT me saying that I do not believe. It is NOT me saying that I believe in nothing and that there is nothing. But, the words that this man uses are so profound.

"Alan Watts Discusses Nothing"

http://www.wimp.com/discussesnothing/
And everything will turn into dust. After this life, there is another life. A much more beautiful life that we would be crazy to not want. That we would be crazy to not chase after with all of our might.

"The essence of your mind, that's how it is behind your eyes, is intrinsically pure. The pure doesn't mean a non-dirty story state of mind, as it is out to mean in the word 'purity'. Pure means 'clear,' 'void.'"

This quote.
This quote is so profound.
And I think that from this quote, we can decide where to go and what to do with ourselves.
With our reality.

So, that is how I am looking at this and my life.

My mind is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of my newness,
I pursue myself.
My heart is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I pursue you.
My life is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I pursue truth.
My truth is pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I pursue your truth.
For me.
Out of your truth,
I will find my mind.
I will find my heart.
I will find my life.
I will find myself.
My mind is pure.
My heart is pure.
My life is pure.
I am pure.
Empty.
Void.
New.
Out of this newness,
I will pursue you.

-Myself

I hope that from all of this, from everything that I have learned, I hope that I can help someone else.
I hope that my past is not in vain.
I hope that someday, somewhere, I will change at least one person.
I will be that difference that they have been searching for.
And that is all I want for myself.
I hope to be that one difference that helps them make sense of themselves.