This is my second day reading the Psalms. I am reading one or two a night.
I just don't understand why I feel so lost about all of it though.
I don't understand why I am in full agreement with the words that I read, yet I feel like I have no idea what I am doing.
Everything seemed so much easier before. I seemed to understand so much more about God and what he wanted before.

Now I feel like I'm reaching out blindly.
And I know that I need to have faith that God won't let me run off the edge of a cliff.
This is just so much more difficult than I could have ever imagined.

I've been gone for so long, that I feel the need to start completely over with God.
But I know now that that is not how relationships work.
You cannot just ignore the issues and pretend that they aren't there.
And I feel that this is exactly what God wanted me to learn in my relationship with him.
And it is so incredibly difficult to wade through everything that has happened these past few months.
It is so incredibly awful to relive it and rethink about it all.
But that is what I need to do.
I need to go through all of it again so that I can apologize to myself and to God.
I need to go through all of it again so that I can ask God for forgiveness.
And more importantly, I need to forgive myself.

I want to heal so badly.
I want to be me so badly.

But I know that this takes time.
I am just so impatient.

And I need to relearn patience.
Because it seems that I have forgotten what that is too.

Dear God, please help me to put my faith in you. Please help me to trust the plans that you have for me, even though I cannot see where you are taking me. Please give me the patience and strength to go through all of this. Please help me to forgive myself.